


tell me when you hear my silence / tommyinnit angst

by romanti3dnf4



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Family Issues, Fluff, Other, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tubbo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 13:33:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30022515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanti3dnf4/pseuds/romanti3dnf4
Summary: Tommy isn’t who everyone thinks he is. Everyone thinks he is this cheerful minecraft streamer that is so loud all the time but that’s far from the truth. everyone thinks that he’s perfect.But TommyInnit is far from that, atleast in his eyes.-A story where Tommy hates his body so much he decides to go on a diet and he wants it to kill him.{ TW FOR THIS WHOLE BOOK; CONTAINS SELF HARM / EATING DISORDERS AND ABUSE INCLUDING MAIN CHARACTER DEATH. }
Relationships: Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF) & Ender Dragon (Minecraft), Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit
Comments: 8
Kudos: 87





	1. Running Down A Road That May Never Stop

**Author's Note:**

> Tommy is starting the diet.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy can't stop going down a road of self hatred and no matter how far he runs he can't escape his thoughts.

Song: Possibilty By Lykke Li

Tommy couldn't move, he was stuck staring up at his ceiling listening to the same song on repeat. There was a huge whole in his heart, he couldn't stop silent crying and trying not to wake anyone up- his parents being so clueless about how his son felt made Tommy feel even more alone. Sometimes all he wanted was to be comforted by them but at times he never even wanted to look them in the eyes.

His silent tears made his body shake, he never knew what made him get to this point, Tommy always wondered when his life turned so shit like this, maybe it was the midnight runs just to ~~burn calories~~ get away from his house and his twisted fate. Sometimes he would jump out the window and go on runs until the sunrise started and he collapsed to the floor in a state of exhaustion- Tommy was happy doing this, it brang him joy knowing that he could push himself that far. The dizziness comforted him, as if it told him he was doing good.

But that was a side of Tommy nobody knew about- The dieting and the times he would stay awake just so nobody would talk to him and question his every fucking move. Or maybe the times the only friend he had was the blade he gripped so tightly it pierced through his skin, which brang him a sense of relief that he was addicted too. 

The lyrics remained engraved in his head as if he was on acid, the way the person sung being like a type of spell. Tommy didn't know why he felt so connected to it but he did, the song playing on repeat making him feel even more empty even if he knew the outcome.

Tommy decided the best thing to do was go for a run- to resist those urges of grabbing the blade . Plus it would help him on the diet he was taking part in, today he ate 600 calories and that was too much-- burning it off was the best thing for him.

Tommy grasped his window ledge, carefully slipping out the window and walking away from his house were his parents lay asleep, their marriage falling apart right under Tommy's nose- maybe that would just add to his list of fucking worries, his parents divorcing and having to switch houses every other night. Tommy slowly started of by jogging down the street , than starting to run when he was out of view from his parents window- the quite streets was only lit by lamps and as he ran faster the music started to get louder and louder in his airpods. Tommy took his usual route that lasted for an hour each time-- if his parents ever catched him he would be dead fucking meat. if anyone he knew caught him he could get away with it unless it was family— who wants their son to be running in a park in the middle of the night?

He knew the perfect routine he had took for weeks on end, every other night he would slip out his window and run down through the park and down the streets until he got past his Tescos and down near the beach, he would sit there for a while and admire the sunrise and than run back, collasping on his bed and sleeping for atleast an hour until he had to rush to college. 

Tommy hated having to plan out his day but if it helped him loose weight he was happy; all he wanted to be was skinny. He wanted to have that feeling of slimness, he wanted everyone to stare at him and make jokes about him looking like a skeleton- he wanted people to envy him for the way he looked and the way his hands were so boney and veiny or the way his collarbones stuck out like that. But nobody ever made those comments and maybe Tommy would stop if they ever did, his parents didn't count though nor his friends. Maybe the idea of being skinny gave Tommy the motivation to push himself- as he kept jogging down the streets he had this vision of what his life could be if he continued running down this path of dieting- he imagined himself with his friends having some icecream with those skinny legs he dreamed off.

But Tommy insisted he was healthy; there was nothing wrong with what he was doing.

Right?


	2. can't resist that urge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy does it so he can feel- theres nothing else to it.

Song: Pain By Three Days Grace

It had been a day since his last run- today he only had an apple the voice in his head screaming at him whenever he thought about making something so simple like soup or plain pasta. His mum was always at work and his dad was always out- Tommy could only assume that he was out with his friends but deep down he knew something was up with his parents, they never even spoke anymore. He knew something was wrong when his dad started sleeping on the couch but he didnt care much; he just wanted his mum to be happy like she deserved.

Tommy was on the verge of grabbing the blade which was hid and tucked in to his pencil case- the idea of destroying his skin sounded so beautiful at this point in time. His mum was out and so was his dad; they were probably out getting pissed for the second time this week; and its only wednesday. It was the perfect time to do it.

2 am in the morning and while everyone else was sleeping Tommy was laying awake, shakingly reaching out for his pencil case and grabbing the pencil sharperners blade. It glistened in the moonlight coming from the window and it made Tommy smile to himself. Tommy slowly pulled down his sleeves, the light coming from the window showing the tens of scattered deep cuts on his wrist- some were old and fading away and that was given away by the shade of purple they were, some were in the middle of healing and a couple newly fresh ones were there too reminding him of last week when he binged and ended up throwing it all up; that was one of the biggest mistakes he could of made and that made Tommy punish himself until he could barely see anything. 

Tommy slowly and shakily brang the blade against his wrist, slowly moving it down his arm as he applied as much pressure as he could, as he got closer and closer to his vein he wondered what was the point he could just slowly trail over his vein so deep it could result in him dying. Tommy didn't see the point in what he called life- what would he even miss? He would miss his friends and fans mostly but did they really care or did they just pity him and watch him when he was bored? Tommy stopped dragging the blade when he thought about Tubbo, he sighed and watched as the blood trailed down his arm and fell onto his wooden floorboard. He let out a small whince and he looked down at the cut, the whole thing was a mess. His arm looked completely and utterly fucked- he couldn't see staight any more. His whole arm was open, he didn't even notice how bad it was when he was doing it and now he had to deal with it. The blood didn't stop- his whole arm seemed to be split open it was as if his whole arm just cracked open like the earth was being split it too. It was like that, and Tommy loved it. He admired the way it looked and the way you could see his bone sarrow. Tommy evily grinned to himself and decided to move to his right arm, covering his left one with a bandage and quickly wiping the floor with a black towel hiden in his wardrobe, every movement hurt him but he loved the way he felt when it happened he finally actually felt something. Doing this was the only time he was happy.

Tommy slowly moved the blade against his arm, deciding to do deeper small ones and covering them up with cute hello kitty stickers which made him laugh, that would be fun to take off. Tommy quickly grabbed the side of the sticker and snapped it off, smiling as a tear slipt down his cheek. It started bleeding again and he applied a couple stickers to his other ones on his right arm watching the blood pour out as he peeled them off, some with pressure and some not. Tommy let out a small sigh when he heard his front door open and he quickly pulled down his sleeves, throwing the towel in his wardrobe and shutting the door silently sliding into bed and praying to god that it didn't stain his red jumper.

As Tommy felt himself drift off he had one sentence in his head.

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.


	3. smiling will hide it all if your a good actor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy streams for his first time in a couple days- his friend willbur growing more worried as the stream comes to an end and telling Tommy how he feels about Tommy being distant.

Song: I Can't Handle Change By Roar

_tommyinnit: hey will wanna play hypixel with me? just for nostalgia and the fact i need to streamm! :)_

_**willbur: where have you been tommy? its been days since you talked to any off us, you didn't even talk to tubbo** _

_tommyinnit: sorry big man i was hanging with my parents for a while , you don't have to play if you dont wanna!! :)_

**_willbur: no ill play but just talk to us more or ill end up thinking your dead or something_ **

_tommyinnit: of course wanna play now?_

**_willbur: sure just get your stream ready ill ask george if he wants to join 2_ **

tommy sighed, he hadn't talked to willbur or anyone in a couple of days and now it seemed to be somewhat awkward. tommy didn't like ghosting people but sometimes he needed to get away- it was the only way he could focus on shit like studying or working out, he didn't like people telling him how good of a person he was when they didn't know half the truth. he knew he was a shit friend he could've just talked to willbur about it and opened up or some shit like that but hes too pussy to do it- he didn't even know the words to describe how he was feeling anymore.

tommy was added to a call after a couple minutes of getting ready for his stream and fixing his face in the mirror. "hey boys, i talked to a women yesterday." he exclaimed making the will giggle a little at his friends high pitchness, he seemed to forget about for the past couple days.

"Really Tommy? I wouldn't of guessed." George spoke up sarcastically making Tommy raise an eyebrow and Willbur laugh at little. As long as all his friends were happy he could pretend he was too. As George and Willbur started having their own conversation a knock from Tommy's door made him turn around, "Tommy?" He quickly took his headset off and clicked a button that muted his call, than giving his mother a welcoming smile. She looked around his messy room and her confidence seemed to be knocked down by the sound of a front door opening, the sound of someone running up the stairs was heard and than walked in his dad who looked drunk. Great, this was happening fucking now in the middle of a discord call of people he hadn't talked to in days. Tommy moved around in his seat uncomfortably, the sound of silence was heard in the room for a couple seconds which seemed like forever until his dad spoke up.

"We got a divorce a couple days ago."Tommy let out a small whimper which sounded like a cry. "Why didn't you tell me before you got the actual divorce?" Tommy forced a smile for his mother and his dad shrugged his shoulders, his drunk state stumbling a little and leaning against the wall knocking a couple books of the shelf. 

"So, because of the divorce and stuff your mother is going to move out to live with her new boyfriend." 

"W-what?" Tommy's eyes expanded and he quickly felt a state of panic take over him. did his mum cheat on his dad? was his mum the bad guy the whole time? Tommy quickly gazed at his computer screen and soon enough realised how he wasn't on mute and his hand only grazed over the button to mute himself. He quickly let out a small yelp and muted his side of the call even though it was too late. The embarrassment started getting to him and he started feeling his cheeks turning red and the way he could feel the urge to roll his eyes getting strong. "Just get out." Tommy yelled a little making his dad laugh and shove his mother out the room, slamming the door and leaving Tommy in a state of shock really. He didn't even want to look at them. He thought his dad was the bad person all along when it was just his slut of a mother. Tommy shakily grabbed the headset, unmuting himself after a couple minutes of sitting there in awe.

"Well, the stream is delayed by a couple minutes but lets do it." Tommy turned on his webcam again and forced a smile to them. 

"Tommy-"

"It's okay guys, lets do it!" Tommy laughed at them and quickly muted them so he could start streaming and talk to chat.

* * *

After the stream willbur immediatly needed to talk to tommy, he knew tommy was far from okay after just realizing his parents got a fucking divorce. The whole stream Tommy was faking laughs and smiles and making sure that he could answer as many questions as he could, you could hear the screams coming from his family down stairsand even his chat were worried, some joking about his parents having sex which made tommy really uncomfortable considering the fact that they were probably fucking attacking eachother. Tommy stirred them away from the topic by throwing George under the bus and bringing up Dream Not Found in the bitchess way possible. Willbur knew Tommy wasn't alright and all he needed was Tommy to admit it to him.

Tommy quickly exited the call as soon as he ended the stream, ignoring the messages pouring in his discord inbox and quickly shutting of his pc and rushing down to the screaming.

"I was in the middle of fucking streaming and you decided to have an argument." Tommy yelled, staring at the shattered glass on the floor and his crying mother. Tommy's dad snickered at his son and slapped him round the face making his mum let out a small scream. Tommy laughed at his father's patheticness, even though it hurt to realise his own father could hit him, atleast he knew that neither of them deserved to be parents.

"So mum, you cheated-"

Tommy got slapped in the face once again and pulled to the ground- he let out a whince at the impact the floor had with his arm.

"Yes she fucking did and if you bring that up again when your mothers moved out there will be fucking trouble you hear me son? This slut you call mum is nothing to you anymore, Angie get the fuck out of here." Tommy watched as his mother scrambled out the room and run up the stairs, slamming their bedroom door and leaving Tommy so quickly laying on the floor in the middle of the kitchen with his father on top of him holding him down with full force.

Tommy just stared into his fathers eyes and realised how everything had changed since he was a young boy with a loving family.

He didn't like it one bit.

He seemed to not handle change that well.


	4. better of alone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy hides himself from his friends- falling into a routine of self pity and starvation.
> 
> Slowly remembering how nobody cares because hes just TommyInnit.

Song: Sleep Thru Ur Alarms By Lontalius 

Tommy didn't eat for days after that last time he spoke to his friends; he couldn't bring himself to leave his bed. He spent most of his time curled up in a ball sleeping, his family were never home anymore. His dad coming home drunk most nights at four a clock in the morning and than leaving before Tommy even woke up, the sound of the front door slamming making him roll over to his other side and sleep some more. His mother called home a couple times but nobody answered, Tommy knew his friends had been trying to talk to him but he couldn't bring himself to look at his phone when it pinged. All he did was listen to music and sleep, the same cycle reoccured for the next couple of days after that. It had been nearly a week of eating nothing and just sleeping ,living in his own state of self pity. Tommy hadn't left his room in six days, only leaving to go to the toilet or make sure his dad was breathing after nights out. Tommy had no energy anymore, he ended up pissing himself a couple times because he couldn't bring himself to move . Eventually Tommy knew he had to show his face to the media but he couldn't bring himself to do it yet, the only thing he wanted to do was sleep forever. Tommy hadn't even cut since he got the news about his parents divorce, he had no motivation to bring himself to the wardrobe and than back.

His father wouldn't care if he bled out.

Tommy found himself hungry as ever this time he woke up at 2am, his father wasn't home and the only thing he thought of was the blade. It had been a day since he last went to the toilet or drank water and as he stumbled over to the pencil case he quickly grabbed the blade out the comparement and run back to his bed, collapsing in utter exhaustion and dizziness. He ended up being able to bring the blade up to his thigh and he quickly unzipped his jeans, doing it on his thighs after only months of focusing on his arms and stomach. Tommy dragged the blade down as hard as he could until he couldn't seem to feel concious anymore and his vision ended up going blurry. Tommy slowly felt himself go back in concuiosness and he realised he never moved from his bed and the time was now four hours later, the sound of the front door opening making him wake up. Tommy grabbed the blade off the floor from where it fell and pressed it deep into his thigh like he did before, not caring about the amount of blood pouring out his cut now and the amount of blood surrounding him and staining his bedsheet.

Tommy was in a type of transe, he couldn't bring himself to stop. He kept going deeper and deeper until he seemed to not be able to breath again but that didn't stop him from carving a little smiley face in his thigh which made him laugh to himself in a twisted way. Tommy started laughing even more, the laughter making tears roll down his face until he couldn't stop uncontrollably crying.

This was Tommy's way of coping,

And nobody seemed to care

Because he was just TommyInnit.

That stupid Minecraft Youtuber that everyone found annoying.

**Author's Note:**

> it’s killed him.


End file.
